Surprised by Joy
On New Years day 2022, I felt like my mantra for the year was, “surprised by joy.” I thought to myself, “Wow, I bet this year is going to be really amazing! Better than the ones before.” I didn’t know then what hell lay before me.
The passing of my beautiful mother was the single most shocking, painful, deadening and stripping of my being I’ve ever weathered. In the midst of being forced to accept this reality, my reality further deteriorated before my eyes as hurricanes, tornados, and earthquakes continued to show up at my door step. I felt like my inner was being put through a shredder. I asked myself, “God, how can you be real?”
My mother was/is my best friend, my confidant. To walk through this fire without her being physically accessible to me has left me in a continued state of shock. Surely life isn’t just for loving and then watching it die.
As the months roll by, at first I became offended how life could just move on. I was suppose to act like things were the same? Like I wasn’t bleeding out in the secret place? Life isn’t the same, and never will be. The quiet whimper in my soul. And then I found an old letter she had written me over decade ago…instructing me to believe, to trust, and that she would always have my back.
As I look back over these past eight months, I can see she has kept her word. She has weaved herself into my journey and in that I remain close to her.
She lived a wild life, daring and against the odds. She believed everything was possible. When she perceived greatness, she would stoke that fire till she saw it roar. She loved, even if it was painful and scary. She championed and believed. Etched into everything. And now, flowing freely as living water.
I cry my eyes out, I want her here with me even though she is in her fullness. I am selfish in my love of my mother. As I wrestle with this life, I see it’s not black and white. It is living and breathing…in constant movement and always shifting before us. It is not something to control but to surrender too. It is the great refinement and in yielding to this crushing we discover true love.
Like honey to a tired soul, only love himself would gift me moments of joy.